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Comedic Female Monologue from "CSI Neverland"

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CONTEXT: In this outrageous spoof, Neverland's 911 operator deals with some wildly imaginative "emergency situations."

OPERATOR:
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? You are being
kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?
Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he's limping
on a peg-leg then it's probably Long John Silver,
but if he has a hook then it's probably Captain-oh-
He's got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold.
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? Being harassed
by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland
911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave?
The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland
911, what's your problem? Your rowboat's falling apart?
And you're being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile?
Oh you poor dear! Please hold. Neverland 911-Hey
Thumbelina! How you doin' girl? He did?! Why, you
need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No,
I'm not busy. You tell me all about it!

The entire script is available for purchase and performance rights at Heuer Plays..

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