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Comedic Female Monologue from "CSI Neverland"


CONTEXT: In this outrageous spoof, Neverland's 911 operator deals with some wildly imaginative "emergency situations."

Neverland 911, what's the emergency? You are being
kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?
Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he's limping
on a peg-leg then it's probably Long John Silver,
but if he has a hook then it's probably Captain-oh-
He's got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold.
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? Being harassed
by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland
911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave?
The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland
911, what's your problem? Your rowboat's falling apart?
And you're being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile?
Oh you poor dear! Please hold. Neverland 911-Hey
Thumbelina! How you doin' girl? He did?! Why, you
need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No,
I'm not busy. You tell me all about it!

The entire script is available for purchase and performance rights at Heuer Plays..

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