"The Little Mermaid" is a free-to-use play written by Wade Bradford, adapted from the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale.
KID: And if he doesn't love her in return then she turns into sea foam.
LATCHKEY: That's dreadful! But fear not, any man, no matter how low his station, would count himself a king if he could win your heart. Dare I ask... Who is this handsome man who has captured your love?
KID: He's very near.
LATCHKEY: He is? And just how near is he?
KID: (Pointing to the prince as he enters.) That guy!
LATCHKEY: Oh, no, not the prince.
PRINCE: Latchkey, my mother is an old frump! She never lets me have any fun.
GERTRUDE: (Off stage.) Prince, I am not done talking to you.
PRINCE: Beg pardon, mother! (Exits.)
LATCHKEY: Him?! The Prince, as endearing as he may be, has never been man enough to stand up to his mother, and I am afraid that she would never let him marry anyone except royalty, not to mention incredibly wealthy. And though I have no doubt that in you are a far ore noble creature than any princess in my world, I am afraid that our Queen Gertrude wouldn't accept you... At least not at first glance... Wait, I know how to save your life. Do you trust me? (Kira nods.) Then follow my lead. Your highness!
PRINCE: Latchkey, I hear enough shouting from my mother, I don't need you to make things worse -- oh, why is she still here? Does she need directions to the homeless shelter?
LATCHKEY: Sire, I have just discovered that this young lady is a princess.
PRINCE: But she is dressed like a sea urchin...
LATCHKEY: She is the long lost Princess, uh, Princess-- (Kid whispers in his ear) Princess Kira.
PRINCE: Is she wealthy?
LATCHKEY: (Kira nods, pantomimes oysters.) Yes, in fact.., she owns all of the pearls in the ocean.
PRINCE: Splendid, I have been looking for just this sort of Princess. My mother has instructed me to marry at once, and I suppose I could make do with someone like you. Fine. Let's get married.
LATCHKEY: Ahem, sire, that is not a princely way to propose.
PRINCE: Ah, quite right. I command you to marry me!
LATCHKEY: No, I mean, it's proper form to ask the lady. After all, there is a distinct possibility that she might... She might not say yes. Perhaps she doesn't want to rush into such a hasty arrangement. (He obviously is falling for her.)
PRINCE: Ask permission? I have to say, Latchkey, I'm not used to such novelties. What do I do.
LATCHKEY: Well, first, you must make sure the proposal takes place at a romantic location.
PRINCE: Well, we are at the sea shore. And the sun gleaming off the water is quite beautiful, and the fresh open air smells... Strangely of...
KID: Fabric softner?
PRINCE: Yes, wait - what did you say?
LATCHKEY: It's just a dog.
PRINCE: Well, it's hardly romantic with this mutt cluttering the beach. Be gone!
KID: You can't make me leave.
PRINCE: (Showing a stick.) Get the stick.
KID: Why would I want to chase after a dumb old stick? It's only... The most fascinating thing I've ever seen!
KID: (Exits, running after stick.) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
PRINCE: I really think that is a talking dog. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, romance! Latchkey, a moment of privacy. (Latchkey turns his back to them.) (Awkwardly gets on one knee.) Princess Kira, although I always thought that science would be my only love, perchance -- my your hand. So warm, so familiar, why when I was drowning in the ocean, during the storm, I thought for certain that some beautiful creature held onto my hand just as you are now, and saved my life. Perhaps this could be love after all. Oh, but alas, mother would never approve, not with a princess dressed in seaweed.
LATCHKEY: Sire, I do believe that your kingdom has many loyal servants that would be honored to help return return Princess Kira to her former glory.
PRINCE: And then, once mother sees how wealthy the Princess appears, she will allow the marriage, we can have a wedding, Why Latchkey, you are brilliant--
LATCHKEY: Thank you sir.
PRINCE: I shall triple your salary!
LATCHKEY: But sire, I've already told you--
PRINCE: No, I insist! And now, let us transform this sea-struck cinderella into the princess proper enough to make her prince proud! Where's my royal tailor!
TAILOR: Right here, your highness.
PRINCE: And my royal hair stylist?
STYLIST: At your beckon call, your majesty.
PRINCE: I give you the greatest challenge of your careers. Make her look pretty. Spare now expense, (They take her away.) Don't worry, my bride to be, you are in good hands. Latchkey, my trusted friend, there is no one better suited to watch over her. Will you stay by her side when she is my kingdom?
LATCHKEY: I would be honored, sire. (He exits, realizing he is falling for this mermaid girl.)
PRINCE: And now, to tell mother the good news.
KID: (Rushing back in.) I got the stick, I got the stick! Do it again! Do it again!
PRINCE: Are you quite certain you are not a talking dog?
PRINCE: Hmm. (Pretends to throw the stick. Walks away.)
KID: Where'd it go? Where'd it go? (Realizes she was tricked.) Oh. now that's just mean.