Cowboys and Idiots is an original play written by Wade Bradford, copyright 2012. The following scene may be used for educational purposes.
Cowboys and Idiots is a comedy-western about two idiots who are searching for money, revenge, and the meaning of life. Think of it as Waiting for Godot, except that its moronic instead of intellectual, and instead of waiting around for some guy who never shows up, they go out into the desert to kick his butt!
The following prologue should be performed entirely in the dark, as if the audience is listening to an old western radio drama. None of the actors or the action should be seen, only heard.
BANKER: Five, another five makes ten and ten makes twenty. You enjoy your day, Mrs. Ingles. Tell your husband I hope he feels better.
TAVO: (Clears throat.) Ahem.
BANKER: Why afternoon, Tavo, Hector, and Tucker. What are you boys doin' with them bandanas wrapped around your faces?
HECK: Shush! We ain't those names you declared us to be.
TUCKER: Don't you know a disguise when you see one?
BANKER: What is it you boys want?
TAVO: We're here to rob ya!
TUCKER and HECK: Yee-haa!!
Shooting sound effects.
TAVO: All right now, calm down fellas!
BANKER: Dang it, you boys done filled up my ceiling with holes!
TAVO: Now you fetch us the money from the Ferndale account -- every last gold coin, do you understand me?
BANKER: Fine, fine. Just take all the cash in the drawer.
TAVO: We ain't stealin from no innocent people. We want what's just. We want what's right. We want nothing out of that vault but Old Man Ferndale's money.
BANKER: But Ferndale will string you up when he finds out- You know how powerful that man--
BANKER: My suspenders! Now how am I going to keep my pants up?
TAVO: Get his money now!
BANKER: Yes sir!
TAVO: Tucker, any sign of the Sheriff?
TUCKER: Not yet.
TAVO: He'll be comin'. A whole posse will be out lookin' for us. So remember the plan.
HECK: Ride out of town. Split up. I head east.
TUCKER: I head west.
TAVO: I head north. Five miles later, we each cross the river at separate points. Ditch your horses to throw the posse of your trail, then we'll meet in the middle of you-know-where.
BANKER: (Returning with a jangling bag of money.) Here the money. I sure hope you boys know what you're doing.
HECK: Tarnation, that's a big bag a money.
TUCKER: Tavo, the Sheriff's coming!
TAVO: No time left. I'll take the bag, we'll split up the loot at the ron-day-voo.
BANKER: You'll be hanging before sundown.
HECK: Shut up, old man! (Shoots.)
BANKER: Hey! You parted my hair right down the middle! Just how I like it!
TAVO: Let's ride boys!
HECK and TUCKER: Yee-haw!
TAVO: And remember the plan… (Echo.) The plan… plan… plan…
Music cue. Lights rise to reveal...
The Setting: The Middle of Nowhere. In particular, this is the middle of the desert. The set designer and the director can make this landscape as majestic or a minimalist as the budget and creativity deems appropriate. However, there should be at least some rock-like shapes that can be used to sit upon, and maybe even lie down on. Also, there should be three different sized cacti. Each catcus can simply be a cut-out, or a three dimensional rendering. Again, realism is completely up to the discretion of the director.
Heck, a gruff, determined cowboy, walks in the distance. He drags along his lucky saddle. (Optional: A wandering, western tune plays.)
Heck drags the saddle across the desert to a prominent landmark rock. He sits down, exhausted. Pats the saddle that is now by his side.
Takes a swig from his canteen. Scans the area. No one around. Takes out a deck of cards.
HECK: Time for a little twenty-one. (Deals two cards to himself.) Ten and two. Hmm. What to do. What to do. Hit me. (He deals himself a Jack.) Busted. (He deals two more cards.) Seven and six. That's... uh... thirteen. Hit me. (Deals a card.) Hmmph! Thanks, for nothing queenie! (Shuffles cards.) Statistically, things are bound to change. (Deals again. It's a two and an ace.) Two and an Ace of Spades. Great. The death card. Hit me. Another ace. Hit me. Another ace. Hit me. Ace again. All right. (Picks up the cards as though he is about to play a game of poker.) Looks like it's time for a little five card stud.
Before Heck can enjoy his solitary game, Tucker's voice calls from a distance.
TUCKER: (Off stage.) Heck!
Startled, Heck jumps up and his cards fly everywhere.
TUCKER: (Off stage.) Heck! Are you up there?
Heck looks around. A man in a sombrero approaches. Heck draws his gun, squints eyes.