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Comedic Male Monologues

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Each of these original comedic monologues may be used by students, actors, directors for educational and theatrical purposes.

1. Heck from "Cowboys and Idiots"

CONTEXT: Two cowboys wander through the desert on a quest for revenge. Along the way, they get terribly lost and fill the time discussing their views on the mixed up world they live in.

Heck:
Sayin’ it’s “hotter than Hades” is a common misconception. Hades ain’t all that hot. It’s humid but it ain’t scorchin’. Wanna know how I know? You see there was this Greek Goddess... Read more.

2. Narrator from "Conflict"

CONTEXT: In this comical look at how audiences crave hardship for the main characters in plays and stories, the narrator provides an example of a “boring” story without conflict.

Narrator:
A story begins. A child is born. He grows into a man. He experiences happiness. He meets a girl. They fall in love. They get married. They have children. The children grow up and move away. There’s a fifty percent chance that he and his wife will stay together. Read the complete monologue.

3. Ishmael from "JT and the Pirates"

CONTEXT: This salty old pirate sets up the tale of a comic adventure about pirates who travel to a modern day junior high school.

Ishmael:
Avast, ye landlubbers! Cursed be all who cast their eyes upon the stage. Cursed, says I! Ha! Hahahaha! Arg, fooled you, didn’t I?! Don’t worry, you’re not cursed! That was just my way a scaring off the faint of heart. Read the rest of this comic monologue.

4. Romeo from "Romeo Revised"

CONTEXT: This ten-minute play spoofs the ending of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It turns out that Romeo and Juliet survive their suicide attempts, only to discover they both have amnesia.

Romeo:
Oh, you do not remember anything? Nor do I. We must both be plagued with amnesia, a foggy blight of forgetfulness caused by our mutual head trauma. Tell me stranger, do I seem familiar to you? For thy beauteous face seems a pleasing mystery. Sadly, I recall nothing, yet I have an idea as to our dire situation. Read more.

5. Ernie from "Mermaid in Miami"

CONTEXT: In this comedic monologue, a kindly fisherman sets up the story for this modern retelling of The Little Mermaid.

Ernie:
I’ll never forget that storm. In one moment, the night was still and as black as tar. An instant later, a howlin’ wind roared in! The rain pelted the ocean. Lightning spat. Thunder belched. Read the complete monologue.

6. Emperor Tropico from "Mermaid in Miami"

CONTEXT: Tropico is the angry, power hungry father of a beautiful, free-spirited mermaid who has dared to escape from his tyrannical rule. (Think Fidel Castro with Mermaid flippers!)

Tropico:
You there! Yes you. Little human in your stupid little boat and your funny little yellow hat and raincoat that makes you look like a rubber ducky. Why are you standing up? You should be kneeling down. Do you know who I am, you little oxygen-inhaling freak? Anytime you stick your head in the water, you are in my kingdom. I am Emperor Tropico, ruler of all the seas. Read the rest of this comic monologue.

7. Mummy from "Tuesdays with Mummy"

CONTEXT: A bumbling scientist stumbles across a disgruntled mummy in an Egyptian tomb. Comedy and Halloween hi-jinks ensue.

Mummy:
You aren't very bright, are you? You commit sacrilege as you bumble through these sacred halls. You defile my royal resting place and dare to steal my amulet. I would love nothing better than to tear you to pieces. Fortunately for you, I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Read more.

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