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Roller Coaster Monologue - Comedic Female Monologue

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This comedic female monologue is delivered by an outgoing woman named Roxy. Her boyfriend is a roller-coaster fanatic, and also a bit immature. Therefore, she has decided to break up with him, right in the middle of their roller-coaster ride! Although the character sits most of the time, the actress should feel free to add a lot of movement and facial expressions to simulate the ride.

Roxy:

(Getting into her rollercoaster seat.)
(She’s talking to her boyfriend.)

You and your obsession with rollercoasters.
What’s the name of this one? Oh, “The
Terminatrix.” How nice. Look, Derek, I—
How do I buckle this thing? I got it.
Derek, I think I’ve got enough adrenaline
and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally
tell you what’s in my heart right now.
This might not be the best conversation
to have on the rollercoaster, but if what
I am about to say breaks your heart, you
can just claim that whatever tears might be
in your eyes are due to wind resistance.

(Leans back – the rollercoaster begins going up.)

Oh – here we go! So, what I’m trying to say…
What am I trying to say? Well, we’ve had a good
year. Almost a year.

(She leans forward and bounces up and down just a bit to show the bumpy beginning of the roller coaster.)

Ten months and 22 days. Things
started out bumpy. Sort of like this ride.
And I thought we were headed in the same direction.

(Leans back again.)

But now it feels like we’ve been traveling on two
different tracks. What? Put my hands in the air?
Okay. (Raises hands in the air.)
But really, Derek, where are we headed?
I feel like I’m ready to take the plunge off of the
Marriage Mountain Splash Ride. And I’m not
afraid to get soaked with commitment. You’d
rather spend your time on the bumper cars.
Sure, it’s fun to bump around, but it gets
pretty meaningless after a while. So, that’s why
I think – oh my gosh, this is high up! Is it
supposed to be this high? It’s safe, right?
Anyway, that’s why I’ve decided – Here goes!

(The roller coaster drop begins!)

I’m BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!! AAAAAH!
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!
AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!

(She leans to the left.)

So, what do you think?!

(She leans to the right.)

What are you doing? What is this?

(She accepts something from him.)

A ring? You want to marry me? Here comes
another one! Whoa, whoa, aaaaaaah!
You’re crazy, Derek! But - Yes!
I’LL MARRY YOU!!!!

(She lurches to a sudden stop. Catches her breath.)

Let’s do it again!

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