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Cassandra's Rant - Comedic Female Monologue

Parody of Greek Mythology

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CONTEXT:

This funny monologue for actresses comes from a educational comedy play called, "The Greatest Play Ever Written." (The complete script is available at Heuer Plays.) The following scene is a comic mash-up of various characters and situations of Greek Mythology.

According to ancient legends, Cassandra could predict the future, yet no one ever believed her. In this scene, Cassandra is at a party in the city of Troy. While everyone around her celebrates the marriage of Paris and Helen, Cassandra complains about all of the ominous signs around her by pointing out the ironic behavior of the party guests around her.

CASSANDRA:

No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves. There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. I am doomed to know all of the catastrophes that will befall us, yet no one believes me. Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy. All is twisted and sour -- and I am not just talking about the fruit punch. Can you not see all of the signs? They are all around us, even as we celebrate. Look there, Hercules the strongest man in the world can break anything, but he cannot break dance. And look here, Hades is the Lord of the Dead, yet he's the life of the party. Sisyphus refuses to rock and roll. Prometheus the Titan gave us the gift of fire, but he's banned smoking. Ares has made peace with the fact that his brother Apollo isn't very bright. Narcissus broke up with himself. Orpheus only speaks the truth, but he plays a lyre. Dionysus is sober but Icarus is high, Poseidon is sloshed and Medusa just got stoned. Atlas is on top of the world. Athena is proud of her humility, and Hermes thinks that hubris belongs on pita bread. Zeus knows everything except how to spell the word omniscient, and Thor -- What the hell is Thor doing here? Midas has the Golden Touch but thanks to Aphrodite he also has a touch of herpes. Medea is offering advice on parenting. Antigone is agreeable. An audience smart enough to understand these jokes is too intelligent to be amused by them. And Oedipus' date looks old enough to be his mother! And what do all these foreboding signs forebode? We are all doomed to die. The Greeks are preparing an attack. They will lay siege to this city and destroy this city and everyone within these walls shall perish by flame and arrow and sword. Oh, and you're out of napkins.

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