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Female Monologue from "How To Kiss A Girl"

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The following monologue is from a one-act comedy "How to Kiss a Girl" by Wade Bradford. (The complete script is available at Playscripts.com)

This one-act play is a silly, sketch-styled play about a young man named Ken who desperately wants to know how to behave on a date, and even more desperately wants to figure out how and when he should make his move and kiss a girl for the very first time.

In order to learn he enlists the help of his highly advanced smart phone, Minerva. The Minerva device downloads tons of audio instructional information, crafted from centuries of information. not all of the advice, however, is useful to today's typical teen. Unfortunately, Ken is too clueless to realize, and he ends up downloading relationship advice from the 1950s, pre-Civil War America, and even Pilgrims and Pirates.

Belle is one of the Audio Advice characters, and while Ken's date is wolfing down her spaghetti and slurping ice tea like its going out of style, the refined Southern Belle teaches Ken how to read subtle signs from a proper lady. Much of this monologue involves the old fashioned art of fan language, so the actress performing the art should have an elegant fan to flutter during her scene.

BELLE: When you arrive at her doorstep, be prepared for a grand entrance. Stand courteously at the doorway, breathlessly awaiting her presence. Drink her in. You are mesmerized. Walk in a half circle around her, never breaking your gaze. And still breathless. Place your left hand behind your back, lift your hat with your right hand, and bow. (Pause.) And now you may breathe. Make certain that you have already prepared a charming compliment, do so in advance to avoid being tongue tied. Tell her she looks as plump and pretty as a sweet Georgia peach. As radiant and glorious as the days before the civil war. That she makes your heart fire faster than a Gatling Gun. Begin your romantic adventure by extending your elbow so that the lady might take your arm. As you escort her to the carriage, be mindful of any mud puddles that may happen to be in your path. Instead of walking around the watery obstacle, remove your jacket, drape it to the ground, and insist that this lovely plump peach walk upon the jacket as not to soil her pretty shoes. That is chivalry. As you ride together in the carriage, you might be wondering as to what is going through the mind of this delicate young flower. You may be tempted to talk of idle things, such as the weather, but I find it best if a gentleman sticks to the subject at hand, which is mainly the beauty of the young lady in his midst. This time, select a specific physical feature to complement. Preferably, something above her neckline. I suggest you complement her eyes, lips, chin, and even perhaps her earlobes, if you are feeling particularly bold this evening. Avoid making comments about a woman's nose. Even kind words will make her self conscious. But you will notice, as the carriage ride continues, the lady speaks very little, yet she says much. (Produces a fan.) To discover the secrets of her feminine mind, simply observe the subtle signals she gives you with the movements of her fan. If the lady holds the fan with her left hand and places it in front of her face, then she is desirous of your acquaintance. However, if she twirls her fan in her right hand, like so, then she wants to speak with you in private. Dropping the fan curtly means she simply wants to be friends, but if she presents her fan to you, shut closed thusly, she is asking: "Do you love me?" Now, this one is most important, so I hope you are paying attention. If the lovely lady presses a half-opened fan to her lips, that means young man that she wants to kiss you. Now, watch her closely: What message is she trying to convey to you?

Note: This monologue could obviously be performed by one person. However, it could be further developed with a total of three performers. One actress delivering the monologue, while two other performers act out the scene which is being described.

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