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Elf Monologue

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Each year, I add a new comedic Christmas sketch to our growing collection of original monologues.

Previous holiday monologues have included:

"Mrs. Claus Dumps Santa"

"Santa's Reply"

"Elf Monologue" Context: This is a stand-alone monologue. It is not attached to a larger play. It is free to use for educational purposes and/or amateur performances. The following scene takes place in Santa's workshop. Inspector Brumbly the Elf is delivering his routine orientation speech to several newly hired elf-recruits.

Brumbly:

All right, you North Pole newbies, this is your orientation. The Christmas countdown is ticking away, we don't have much time, so prick up those pointy ears and listen up! My name is Inspector Brumbly, Elf Number 8425. I have delivered this orientation speech for over a thousand years, so if I look burnt out, it is not your imagination. The number one rule here at Santa's workshop is "When the fat man is on the floor, look busy." Everything after that is easy. As you can see this is the main room where all of the magic happens. Make sure when you are working along side the conveyor belt you do not wear jingle bell sleeves. Last year, Happy the Elf lost an arm. Not so happy any more. Over here, we have the stables. Yes, the reindeer fly. But their poop falls to the ground, just like the rest of us, so you can expect to be on "nugget-patrol" for the first few weeks. And if Sneaky the Elf offers you fudge from the stables, do yourself a favor and say "no thank you." Some basic tips, common sense really. Don't stare at Rudolph's nose. He hates that. It's red. Get over it. If you see a disoriented talking snowman that says "Happy Birthday," just smile and nod politely. He's senile but harmless. Don't listen to rumors about Mrs. Claus and the Easter Bunny, and especially don't mention those rumors to Santa -- and especially don't mention to him after he's has more than two glasses of eggnog. Trust me on this one, I know from experience. All right, elves, that's about it. Let's get to work!

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